Script and Snug

 'It is all fine' at the tip of her tongue when all she feels inside is numb, to pour so much, that she's left empty if only, someone filled her as deftly, It aches too much to confess this pain for somebody to address, To be the dragonslayer, saving them all the one with the sword too needs healing after all, Put up a smile, light their world's so bright when her has crumbled with all its might, She wishes somebody like her in her life Who listens intently, probes out her strife, Being the one initiating to make amends question of her importance significantly ascends, Yet again, she wishes to run and make things right But, if only they too tried?

"One person to another, my eyes drag Watching them intently,  Am almost a hawk Should do so mildly  Won't let them know, I'm here to gawk  To address the one duly Who's been holding me back  Fuelling my insecurities I'd find him today ask him to stop Catapulting my miseries  Give me peace, let me grow atop How do I find him, the one so vile Who wasted my years Won't stop whispering in my ears I'll revisit again with more enthusiasm Ask him to sit, let's discuss our chasm I lay on the couch eyes adrift The whispers restart, he runs away swift The door is locked, windows shut No one came inside, who whispered but?"

 " A painful squeeze in the chest Stomach recoiling at its fullest Hands quivering in protest  Me searching you in earnest And since the moment our eyes met My serene self is in unrest"

 "What is this feeling bittersweet I believe they call it love amiss Having different forms albeit At first sight, or sometimes taking years to concrete What is that emotion that I felt That made my heart completely melt It wasn't the sight, but his talking that had led My body drowning in an emotional flood, I dread What is this stir that overcame me As he assembled his essentials, leaving me be Dusk swept in, and he continued his journey Leaving me pensive, deep in melancholy Dawn set in, and the world resumed its cacophony My heart clings to the hope, to regain its joyous company The emotions that I am feeling, can't name any It's a cascade of thoughts, a bittersweet symphony"

 "Here starts the countdown One two and three The night before the showdown Active in full swing Nerves await a breakdown Hereby I stand unflinching Know my reality deep down But isn't hope always, the thing?"

 "Flashback to the good times, my brain tread How good was the time once spent Snapping back to the present, I dread Shouldn't it be equally easier for me as well to forget"

  "The night has come to collect its due Intense pain, leaving me achingly blue This charade of smiles is all untrue Isn't my life the perfect 'pretend' Look from the surface, aren't their roses so red Come closer, do you find thorns that made me bled The scars that left my skin green Are hard to find, they're covered with a vibrant sheen Disguising it like a flawless damaskeen Acting all strong with all my might I see a cemetery and people dressed in white And again pretend things aren't as bad as I seem to find"

  "Sometime in the afternoon, I started to read Pages through pages, my eyes tread She lived a life, everyone would dread Never bent her spine, I commend Holding my breath, I wanted her pain to end Watching her struggle Her hope getting crumpled, People misusing her, left-right, and center I saw self-loathing become her epicenter,  Half past the book, I saw no respite To the constant strife She's faced in her life Still holding the hope intact I waited for things to rightly act,  Closed the book to start reading afresh Wasn't ready for what happened next Her pain ended when she took the final breath She's still dead, I rechecked time hundredth I sat there in awe, what have I witnessed Sometime later, the sun came up And reality set in Had she not died, I wouldn't be sitting to write For ending her struggles and strife That life has more to offer, than a butcher's knife However, some souls do need to die For authors to make characters immortalize" 

 "To whomsoever it may concern Very politely, I want you to discern Don't make my business any of your concern This is how much I talk what else do you expect I am in no mood to form a soul shattering connect The list of those has now reached soul-shattering fullest This is the way I actually function Either everything or nothin' There isn't anything in between The number of people I care for are exactly six In this behemoth matrix Anyone else is just a nix So if you're waiting for your opinion to matter Apologies for making your illusions shatter They're as useful as a torn tatter You think your judgments give me a kick Grab a chair, coke and a mix Let's see how long it takes to cause an ick"

  "If you could actually see this side of my skin Swathe of emotions that it keeps hidden Forces a frown into a smile brittle The concept of underthinking it knows little If you could actually see this side of my skin How harsh to herself, it has always been Emotions so deep carries within Completely, fervently is how she knows feelin' If you could actually see this side of my skin Now turned into an obscure victim Reasons being, my own set of actions done consciously When felt everything so strongly I've been a culprit in this very journey Of hyperbolic emotions and misery I do hereby declare wobbly That it's me to whom I owe the biggest apology"

 "What is this 'how are you' drivel Of course I'm fine, don't ask questions trivial Why fuss over small talk, dear Don't pretend that you care Ask me my music dossier The answer to them is easier Reason behind those favourites Is one I ain't willing to share This isn't being secretive Just a dislike of charade deceptive Acting all protective In reality you couldn't care lesser Chats are comfortable in territories merrier Let's discuss fun, fashion and fav calzone No baby my fears are a no go zone Late night conversations about life Reason behind this ache in the heart so ripe We'll talk about this too The day you'll call out my bluff of- "I am fine, you?"

 " I wish I could go back in time That picturesque morning when the clock chimed nine Your charming self ripe and sublime Your intent no clandestine  That illusion of roses so diving Clouding the reality of you being a slime Full of filth to the prime I wish I could go back in time Have a chat with her at lunchtime And warn about your non-existent spine How your 'mine' is sold to other 'nine' This is all false dopamine High because of your served moonshine That ruined irreparably her shine I wish I could go back in time And stop her from getting maim Decrease her pile of regrets in this lifetime I wish I could go back in time And end that conversation with a courtesy smile"

 " It's once again the night When nothing feels right When you hold onto your breath, a little too tight Waiting for this gloom to end tonight When you don't understand the reason behind your sadness When you're surrounded by nothing but darkness When senses renegade into numbness When the black hole of agony drowns you in its profoundness When tears overflow without any reason Even to smile, there's an aversion When anguish and uncertainties have formed a union And you wait for this night to cease its propulsion"

 " I've been to heaven on earth Witnessed worse than hell in that heaven Devils masqueraded as angels Poison cloaked in their sugary words Their dichotomous words and actions ever evident Me searching for good in them still consistent The malaise called weakness led to an aching heart Pain became my lone sweetheart Senses became veritably numb So much so, it felt I would succumb Fitting in became a chore My heart refused to cooperate anymore Brain tried reasoning Tong won't stop whining Eyes continued raining The so called hope kept depleting Few more months is my reasoning, Really? says my heart mumbling"

 " Happiness feels a bit hazy Smiling is nothing but a formality Even whispers now feel noisy Days pass full of agony Running away looks like the only solace From the demons, my mind weaves in its embrace My body consists less of flesh and bones and more of indifference Tasks of once high stature now hold little significance Looks like I'm left with no choice Not that anyone would be affected by my premature demise However, one question makes my actions cease Is there anything called committing suicide with some grace?"

  Chirping birds waking her up Getting ready to decompress Traffic noises riling her up Going to a place full of strangers Rooms incarcerating her up Inability to solve complex puzzles Making her feel like throwing up 5 minutes breaks spanning for hours Doing nothing to ease her up Rather add to her accelerating stress Meeting mentors for follow up This ordeal named life making nauseous  Undone tasks keep piling up Returning back after dismissal regardless Doing nothing but whining up Going back to sleep full of distress Wishing like hell to never wake up So as to escape from this circle vicious 

  The father worked day and night Obliterating sleep might Every second of the hour Every hour of the day No breaks for weeks This happened for months Months went by Years came by Cent to a dollar a nd a hundred more Hundred to a million n ow the bones are sore Stress accompanied cash Healthcare took a backlash  Blood pressure refused to come down Still, his resolve never bowed down Because father had a purpose Laughter filled his ears during the recourse A toothy grin and a cheeky smile  Welcomed him every evening like an eager missile That's when he knew the mission is accomplished The soreness blew as if it never furnished  The clock ticked on the wall He was happiest of all With two 2 feet devils He worshiped both the evils Their joy was what which kept him going He would sell his soul, if that's what it cost, to keep it flowing

 " It all commenced with a cry Cord cut, flowers distributed, my arrival was celebrated with a rye, I was over showered with the love of my parents and relatives Spoiled with everything and anything without questioning my motives, Now an adolescent I turned out wild Fierce, untamed, undomesticated I was everything but cultivated Playing, fighting, partying in excess Me and studies never formed a nexus  I pursued this life, with a fervent appetite Little did I know, this is just a respite, I spent all the days of my youth on pleasure Now they cam down, haunting me later Was desperate to re form the once unformed nexus  With dreams so high But work done nye, My once carefree adolescent self Learned how to hussle thy self, My employers were anything but kind Therefore took a stand behind,  I worked, worked and worked But couldn't compensate for those lost years, Yet the work did paid off Not to the extent I wished off, Got a decent living Life was monotonous with a 9-5 working Th

Breaking the clutches of this invisible chain That has kept me stuck in vain I want to come and seek your solace Hug you and seek the warmth of your embrace One day and counting Is how I calculate days  Each time you come and leave me hanging Saying goodbyes is a herculean task Done while shoving the ardent tears in a flask The flask which never gets empty Readily refills when given the opportunity To seek your well being is my proclivity Any displeasure caused to you unleashes my callosity And when there are no tears left All i'm left is the longing to come to you at the earliest The chain comes and clasps my insides And once again i'm left to keep counting the days till this curse subsides.

 Turning my head left Sitting with accomplished people amongst Has left my fragile hope bereft Here commences a never ending flip flop of misery Guilt over things attainable start spiralling Remorse over undone actions never ending Then comes "hope", my own white knight Flaunting my capabilities, showing me my light Placing before me my ability, giving a brief insight Knowing that i can do, it's just that i don't do Once again I'm complacent, how do I undo? How do I redress, redo this ado? This discovery is astonishing me "Hope" was my sword, why is it gently killing me Making me delusional, intoxicating me Hope is the phantom, the deceptor cheering me all the time, accompanying me in The bogeyman living under so many of the beds I'd slept in The monster in every closet my clothes had been in

 f you could truly know me The imperfect side reserved for a few who love perfectly, The childish me Unleashed in front of some dearly, The fun loving me Who loves to banter with those categoriesed as 'family', The selfless me Who'd die for the ones she loves gladly, The loving me Who loves a little too deeply, The overthinker me Who nitpicks every word and action maniacally, Ironically, Some see the introverted me Who refuses to talk seamlessly, The arrogant me Who refuses to engage inclusively , The shy me Who blushes over words said harmlessly, The conceited me Who refuses to initiate conversations adamantly, The stubborn Me Who throws tantrums angrily,  So, who do you see when you see me? The real, unsure,hesitant me Or the well woven arrogant illusion of me?

 Don't let it get to you For what they say reflects them not you, Of all the shining stars in your eyes They'll make you believe the light is too bright for your eyes, When you'll try to rise mighty high They'll put you down with their demoralising sleigh, With the enthusiasm of a fresher  You'll try to learn everything to learn under the curvature, Then they'll come with their deprecating quesstionare And leave after making you question your actions elsewhere, But darling, don't let it get to you For what they say reflects them not you.

 Second guessing has become like a second nature And each dusk brings with it a new questionnaire 'what if' today would've been filled with fresh air?  Leafy trees, bright sunlight bringing anything but despair 'What if' this dawn would end with cheer Smily faces, excited voices filling my ear 'What if' I could fit in here Had I dared to defer The prejudices of my peer 'What if' my resolve would've been more influencer  And i went for the discipline my heart held dearer My past 'WHAT IFs' would have been fader Had I been more defiant, tad bolder Present 'HOW TOs' would have been rearer  And future 'IF NOTs' would have been nowhere 'What if' I didn't second guess myself then and there Things would have been much easier

 The whispers, the smirks The nasty remarks, the pitiful eyes Questioning my silence Why don't I smile? Engage, laugh or even socialize? Wondering whether it is in my default settings Being painfully shy, socially inept, deep into an abyss? Expecting me to be like water Taking the shape of the pitcher,  Oblivious that I'm all ice But aren't my surroundings full of vice? Making it arduous to melt and blend so as to conform to their prejudice,  They ask, why don't I interact too? Perhaps because you always keep the temperature at thirty two?

Sometimes it's a silent chaos Casual tete-a-tete feels like a burden, Carrying a conversation is just too excess All that my body demands is to sleep into oblivion, The other times it is a roaring ruckus   The concept of shutting up feels alien,  Oversharing, overhelping, look like the only ways to form a nexus All that you need to do is nod, smile and cross question And i would serve my life on a platter tied with red ribbons, The rest of the times it is just anger at my action Will I find a middle ground in my doings, Could there be an attenuation? In the verbal diarrhoea that my mouth pukes  Or the famished desert that wants a little attention.