Script and Snug

Breaking the clutches of this invisible chain That has kept me stuck in vain I want to come and seek your solace Hug you and seek the warmth of your embrace One day and counting Is how I calculate days  Each time you come and leave me hanging Saying goodbyes is a herculean task Done while shoving the ardent tears in a flask The flask which never gets empty Readily refills when given the opportunity To seek your well being is my proclivity Any displeasure caused to you unleashes my callosity And when there are no tears left All i'm left is the longing to come to you at the earliest The chain comes and clasps my insides And once again i'm left to keep counting the days till this curse subsides.

 Turning my head left Sitting with accomplished people amongst Has left my fragile hope bereft Here commences a never ending flip flop of misery Guilt over things attainable start spiralling Remorse over undone actions never ending Then comes "hope", my own white knight Flaunting my capabilities, showing me my light Placing before me my ability, giving a brief insight Knowing that i can do, it's just that i don't do Once again I'm complacent, how do I undo? How do I redress, redo this ado? This discovery is astonishing me "Hope" was my sword, why is it gently killing me Making me delusional, intoxicating me Hope is the phantom, the deceptor cheering me all the time, accompanying me in The bogeyman living under so many of the beds I'd slept in The monster in every closet my clothes had been in

 If you could truly know me The imperfect side reserved for a few who love perfectly, The childish me Unleashed in front of some dearly, The fun loving me Who loves to banter with those categori sed as 'family', The selfless me Who'd die for the ones she loves gladly, The loving me Who loves a little too deeply, The overthinker me Who nitpicks every word and action maniacally, Ironically, Some see the introverted me Who refuses to talk seamlessly, The arrogant me Who refuses to engage inclusively , The shy me Who blushes over words said harmlessly, The conceited me Who refuses to initiate conversations adamantly, The stubborn Me Who throws tantrums angrily,  So, who do you see when you see me? The real, unsure,hesitant me Or the well woven arrogant illusion of me?

 Don't let it get to you For what they say reflects them not you, Of all the shining stars in your eyes They'll make you believe the light is too bright for your eyes, When you'll try to rise mighty high They'll put you down with their demoralising sleigh, With the enthusiasm of a fresher  You'll try to learn everything to learn under the curvature, Then they'll come with their deprecating quesstionare And leave after making you question your actions elsewhere, But darling, don't let it get to you For what they say reflects them not you.

 Second guessing has become like a second nature And each dusk brings with it a new questionnaire 'what if' today would've been filled with fresh air?  Leafy trees, bright sunlight bringing anything but despair 'What if' this dawn would end with cheer Smily faces, excited voices filling my ear 'What if' I could fit in here Had I dared to defer The prejudices of my peer 'What if' my resolve would've been more influencer  And i went for the discipline my heart held dearer My past 'WHAT IFs' would have been fader Had I been more defiant, tad bolder Present 'HOW TOs' would have been rearer  And future 'IF NOTs' would have been nowhere 'What if' I didn't second guess myself then and there Things would have been much easier

 The whispers, the smirks The nasty remarks, the pitiful eyes Questioning my silence Why don't I smile? Engage, laugh or even socialize? Wondering whether it is in my default settings Being painfully shy, socially inept, deep into an abyss? Expecting me to be like water Taking the shape of the pitcher,  Oblivious that I'm all ice But aren't my surroundings full of vice? Making it arduous to melt and blend so as to conform to their prejudice,  They ask, why don't I interact too? Perhaps because you always keep the temperature at thirty two?

Sometimes it's a silent chaos Casual tete-a-tete feels like a burden, Carrying a conversation is just too excess All that my body demands is to sleep into oblivion, The other times it is a roaring ruckus   The concept of shutting up feels alien,  Oversharing, overhelping, look like the only ways to form a nexus All that you need to do is nod, smile and cross question And i would serve my life on a platter tied with red ribbons, The rest of the times it is just anger at my action Will I find a middle ground in my doings, Could there be an attenuation? In the verbal diarrhoea that my mouth pukes  Or the famished desert that wants a little attention.

 With smiles and concerns, is how they initiate Act like the best mates Making you forget the stories of snakes You don't realise the trick Throughout, you were being served arsenic By people deranged and sick They make you question each activity you partake Label everything you do as inappropriate  Exaggerate trivial mishaps and castigate  Assume that they know you a lot And label you a snot The reasons only they know of their plot They thrive on the sadistic delight Of your plight Jinx your happiness with all their might Introspection is what they know not Carry derision, everywhere they trot Which is why, yet not corpses still they rot.